Man Designs Giant Sun-Dial, Still Searching For God

Local acrobat and comedian, Gene Schaeffer, announced to the government officials of Iran today that he has just finished the design process for his electric sun-dial. According to Gene, the design took him about 15 minutes. According to Iran officials, they really don't care. Gene plans to begin pre-production on the dials by the end of the month. The dials are said to run on electric energy, depleting the need for the sun. When asked why these were necessary all Gene had to say was, "Well I tried to make my son one for his 26th birthday using the sun's power, but I could never get it positioned right. So when he died in an electrical fire the following winter I finally got the idea! There was just this bright light, it was so beautiful!"

Well.. not much more to say on this one.

Had had enough shit today?

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Wow.

Jim Jarmusch's Next Movie in Pre-Production, Promises Fans More Boring Than the Last

This week, the MR staff found out that Jim Jarmusch's new film project was in production.

We yawned in excitement.

I mean, how could he create a movie better than blockbuster, non-stop, jerry bruckheimer-esque, action-packed, thrillers such as Broken Flowers, Ghost Dog, the violent and unnerving, Coffee and Cigarettes, and a thrilling roller coaster ride of a movie called Down By Law. It can't be done.

Jarmusch still promises absolute boredom to his hardcore fan base.

Melanie Von Carbridge, a Berkley Film Student told MR that, "You can't top his movies. Yes, people say they are boring. But just look how they're filmed. Regular movie-goers just can't appreciate what Jarmusch has to offer. His films are above everyone else's. You really have to be in the industry to understand what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is that his films challenge the status quo of AMC and Regal, of Spielberg and Cronenberg, of Guttenberg and Goldberg. He's not Hollywood. Jim Jarmusch simply...is."

After the interview, we took turns at killing ourselves.

Farmer Hates Farm, Hates Life

Brandon McHennesey thought moving from New York to Iowa would gain him three things. A change at his repetitive life, a cutting-edge, robust, sex life, and a farm that would bring him happiness.

Little did Brandon know, he was heading for depression.

Also, little did Brandon know, farming is 10x more repetitive than any job he had ever maintained in New York.

"I do the same goddam thing every day! I don't understand it. This was supposed to be fun for me." Brandon shrugs, hates himself.

"N-Now," he stutters, "all I do is work, my wife is having an affair with other farmers, and I don't feel the least bit happy."

Farming is indeed a tough business. But you have to have the cajones for it Brandon.

When the staff at MR retires, I believe we'll try our hand at farming. Probably a kitten farm and puppy mill.

Local Consumers Tired of Being "Jerked Around"

"I'm tired of being jerked and kicked around by the gaming industry," cries Johnathon Sandyclam. "I've been waiting for the perfect...I mean perfect time to by a PS3, and looks like I missed out on my opportunity again!"

John is obviously referring to the recent price decrease of the PS3's 60 gb $499 bundle. Which is flying off of the shelves. Because of the new price drop, it will be awhile before anyone can get their hands on one and speculation of price increases for the same bundle are floating about. Sorry Mr. Sandyclam...you lose.

A Drunken Night With Friends Turns Nightmare for Emetaphobic

Gil, Philip, and Brass were on the Penn State University campus Sunday night when a policeman approached them.

"We surrender!", yells Brass. He slowly and sexily pulls his pants down.

"Pull your goddam pants up, son," exclaimed the police officer.

One by one, the police officer shined a flashlight in our eyes...a special flashlight. A flashlight that had no definition. A flashlight that...Gil threw up. Philip cringed...he hated vomit, was emetaphobic. The policeman shined the flashlight in the face of Brass. He gagged as a reflex and threw up warm trimmings over his peepee. Philip had not thrown up for 13 years...since the summer of 1994. He was anxious, upset, terrified, and greatful.

The policeman then shined the light in Philip's eyes....


And Philip saw God...


No less than 22 seconds later, Philip(invulnerable to the flashlight), Brass, and Gil had escaped up the path and eventually into Gil's Toyota.

They narrowly escaped an embarrasing end.

Rumor:

Hurricane Katrina nothing more than elaborate hoax?
From what we're hearing, this could be true.

Nothing more than Anne Frank and her Holocaust or Neil and his Spaceboys- or even those fucking chads of paper in Florida.

Many readers are sharing the same feelings, including longtime reader, Bob Haskins of Topeka: "I've got to be honest, it was a sigh of relief when the news spread earlier this afternoon. I mean it was something that I knew in the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart. There is no way a Tornado could do that to a city!!"

But Why?
So many questions unanswered and so many more to be asked.

More--as soon as the story breaks!