Metallica in Video Games

Metallica is in the news, yet again. This time, it doesn't involve Lars Ulrich bitching about the public nickling and diming him, or about how corporate America is God's way.

Metallica is making headlines because one of their most well-known tracks will be on the latest installment of Guitar Hero (Guitar Hero III), and in the game, Rock Band. The song is: One.

Coincidentally, the same song has just been accepted as one of the world's most "piss-poor, stupid, brainless, dickless, no-good, four-flushing pieces of white-trash shite there is in American Culture" in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We asked Chairman Bill Masters about the Hall of Fame's new indictment.

"They suck. Metallica sucks. Everything about them sucks. Sucks balls even." At this point, Bill wipes his forehead and looks at Brass Wilkins. Brass takes a step back, uneasy. "I have a major problem with a band of bitches."

Top Ten Videogames.......PLAY THEM!!!

Here's a short list of ten video games that you must play. This list may change from week to week, but the main thing to focus on is that nonetheless they are great games.

10. Killer 7 (3.5 Wilkins)
9. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (4 Wilkins)
8. Silent Hill Series (3.5 Wilkins-average)
7. Ico (3.5 Wilkins)
6. Super Mario Bros. 3 (4 Wilkins)
5. Final Fantasy VII (4 Wilkins)
4. Metal Gear Solid Series (4 Wilkins)
3. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (4 Wilkins)
2. Resident Evil 4 (4 Wilkins)
1. Earthbound (4 Wilkins)


Play. Now.

Man Blacks Out, Wakes Up in Strip Club

Gary Titsworth was in a pickle this morning. Like any other Friday evening, Gary chose to go out with his friends, Christopher and Zenith. They hit "Frankie Tuesdays", their usual bar, and Gary had a couple [alcoholic] drinks.

"I didn't drink more than I usually do. I swear to God!" Gary told us, completely perplexed. "I'm really worried...what happened between Frankie's and Club Harlot? I'm scared."

"He went to the bathroom and never came out, we thought he entered a vortex or something," claimed long-time friend Zenith.

We sent out Gil to do some investigating.

Gil did his best, retracing Gary's steps between the Frankie's and Club Harlot. Along the way, Gil found a cat missing its virginity, a homeless person with a locket with a picture of Gary, and a human turd with hair on it.

The case is still open. Gary's wife is leading the inquiry. "I just wish I knew what I did...", whimpered Gary.

Gil brought the turd home for further testing.

Church Choir Loses Member, The Mac Grieves

Lutheran Baptist church, The Risen has lost yet another choir member. Chief choir member Loretta Blair is quoted as saying,

"She was a gift from God, the voice of an angel, the bosom of a flower bud--and she is now resting at the bottom of hell."

Other members of the choir seem to be just as upset about the loss. The unknown cause of death has been a concern to many of the community members, including mayor, Bill Mcaffee.

"She will be missed. Even though I sound like a goat when I sing I know the church still loves me. God bless myself."

We will post the newest information as it arises. We can only hope that everyone will maintain a healthy stamina throughout the next few days.

New Game About Moses Changes Way Staff Feels About Moses

Deliverance

We here at massreviews have read the Bible. Several times. Sometimes around campfires, sometimes at parties (Bible-Gras), but mostly, while we're taking a dump.

Once in a while, a game comes along that transcends gaming in its entirety. It challenges notions of traditional gaming by crossing boundaries. Sometimes these boundaries are simple, but sometimes these boundaries are so complex, only Moses and Jesus could understand them. Which brings us to the game, Deliverance (the perfect game for Christ Jesus and Moses).

Please see the link above for the most adventurous, informative, action-packed game of our time.

Which brings us to a question...is God's view of our lives a game? Is it? IS IT?!?!?!

"Moses kicks so much ass you have no idea!" cries Brass, a beta tester for the game. "If he's not killing the Egyptian first born children he's crashing seas down and drowning thousands of people!"

We haven't played this game yet, but can't wait to get our grubby, little, sinner's hands on a pirated copy.

Eli Roth's, The Cell, delayed until 2009

If you haven't heard the news, drop your curling iron and take out your birth control. Eli Roth's adaptation of Stephen King's The Cell is being delayed until 2009. The movie's production company has made this rash decision.

When asked about the new dilemma, Eli Roth tipped his bed back and roared with laughter. "Now I can concentrate on my statutory rape lawsuits." Roth's publicist refused to comment about the latter.

Gil Youngback has also refused to comment.

GTA IV, causes turmoil among mass review staff

No hot coffee this morning as R*(Rockstar) and Take-Two have announced that Gil's beloved franchise has been postponed until quarter 2 of next year. Uncertain to the reason of this terrible news, many have speculated as to why it has been postponed. Some people have suggested that maybe it has to do do with the portrayal of New York City in such a 'violent' game. Brass believes though that the 360 is a piece of shit that needs to die--but overall, here at the staff,we believe in nothing less than capital punishment for those who were affected by 9-11.