Because it's October, we're going to be reviewing some "horror" films. I hadn't seen this movie and was pretty reluctant in doing so. And I'll tell you why.
Although Danny Boyle produced, did some camera shooting, and had some creative control; although Alex Garland was a producer; although the movie had fantastic versions of the theme by John Murphy from the film's prequel; although the film had the same editor; although it had the talent of Robert Carlyle and Rose Byrne; it fell short.
There are two types of good horror films. Either they are, (a) superbly crafted; bridging a gap between mundane reality and possibility of the supernatural. Or (b) they are horrible, entertaining and laughable pieces of crap. There are no hybrids. No exceptions.
28 Weeks Later was a hybrid. With the rough expectations of holding up to its predecessor, it fell short in several categories.
The first 10 minutes were brilliant cinema. Great effects, editing, acting, camera work, and music. When the film went to London, it lost all the qualities that the first film had successfully set up. It became Land of the Dead! A movie made two years prior to 28 Weeks Later's release.
28 Days Later was successful because it snatched relateable characters from the norms of society and put them in the "state of nature." Anarchy. I can't think of a more terrifying experience than total chaos...with zombies...with the total absence of government and collapse of society. That is good cinema. Along the lines of the (a) category. 28 Weeks Later started off with with what 28 Days built, and descended...miserably. One of the most ridiculous scenes in the film was when Jeremy Renner (the soldier) was completely engulfed in flames via flamethrower while saving Rose Burne and the bastard children.
The film gets a whopping 2 stars out of 5.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
28 Weeks Later: a review
Big Dumb Republicans Finally Tape Big Dumb Mouths
Republicans lined the nation's capital today in what was thought to be a protest against abortion.
Gil was fortunate enough to interview one of these individuals, Gary Giggs.
"This isn't just any dumb baby protest. We want big dumb Palin to shut her big dumb yap."
Gil offered to supply the tape for the next rally.
David Lynch Launches New iPhone Campaign
Apple phoned David a while ago and asked him to do an ad for their new iPhone. David agreed under the conditions that he had complete and total creative and marketing control.
After 1 Year and 1 Month Hiatus, Mass Review Staff Back and Feeling Good About Future Prospects!
Well,
It's been a year, and we've been through a lot. Gil lost his arms and legs in a grain elevator accident. Brass joined the fight in Iraq, as an unemployed mercenary bystander. Brass would sit on street corners and wait for either side to throw down, then he'd pick a side and join in the action. He's a lot tougher now. Philip wrote seven novels that used the exact same story lines as the Harry Potter series with the exact same characters, only using different names.
But...
We're back to what we do best.
And just in time for the election.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Man Designs Giant Sun-Dial, Still Searching For God
Local acrobat and comedian, Gene Schaeffer, announced to the government officials of Iran today that he has just finished the design process for his electric sun-dial. According to Gene, the design took him about 15 minutes. According to Iran officials, they really don't care. Gene plans to begin pre-production on the dials by the end of the month. The dials are said to run on electric energy, depleting the need for the sun. When asked why these were necessary all Gene had to say was, "Well I tried to make my son one for his 26th birthday using the sun's power, but I could never get it positioned right. So when he died in an electrical fire the following winter I finally got the idea! There was just this bright light, it was so beautiful!"
Well.. not much more to say on this one.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Jim Jarmusch's Next Movie in Pre-Production, Promises Fans More Boring Than the Last
This week, the MR staff found out that Jim Jarmusch's new film project was in production.
We yawned in excitement.
I mean, how could he create a movie better than blockbuster, non-stop, jerry bruckheimer-esque, action-packed, thrillers such as Broken Flowers, Ghost Dog, the violent and unnerving, Coffee and Cigarettes, and a thrilling roller coaster ride of a movie called Down By Law. It can't be done.
Jarmusch still promises absolute boredom to his hardcore fan base.
Melanie Von Carbridge, a Berkley Film Student told MR that, "You can't top his movies. Yes, people say they are boring. But just look how they're filmed. Regular movie-goers just can't appreciate what Jarmusch has to offer. His films are above everyone else's. You really have to be in the industry to understand what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is that his films challenge the status quo of AMC and Regal, of Spielberg and Cronenberg, of Guttenberg and Goldberg. He's not Hollywood. Jim Jarmusch simply...is."
After the interview, we took turns at killing ourselves.
Farmer Hates Farm, Hates Life
Brandon McHennesey thought moving from New York to Iowa would gain him three things. A change at his repetitive life, a cutting-edge, robust, sex life, and a farm that would bring him happiness.
Little did Brandon know, he was heading for depression.
Also, little did Brandon know, farming is 10x more repetitive than any job he had ever maintained in New York.
"I do the same goddam thing every day! I don't understand it. This was supposed to be fun for me." Brandon shrugs, hates himself.
"N-Now," he stutters, "all I do is work, my wife is having an affair with other farmers, and I don't feel the least bit happy."
Farming is indeed a tough business. But you have to have the cajones for it Brandon.
When the staff at MR retires, I believe we'll try our hand at farming. Probably a kitten farm and puppy mill.
Local Consumers Tired of Being "Jerked Around"
"I'm tired of being jerked and kicked around by the gaming industry," cries Johnathon Sandyclam. "I've been waiting for the perfect...I mean perfect time to by a PS3, and looks like I missed out on my opportunity again!"
John is obviously referring to the recent price decrease of the PS3's 60 gb $499 bundle. Which is flying off of the shelves. Because of the new price drop, it will be awhile before anyone can get their hands on one and speculation of price increases for the same bundle are floating about. Sorry Mr. Sandyclam...you lose.
Monday, August 6, 2007
A Drunken Night With Friends Turns Nightmare for Emetaphobic
Gil, Philip, and Brass were on the Penn State University campus Sunday night when a policeman approached them.
"We surrender!", yells Brass. He slowly and sexily pulls his pants down.
"Pull your goddam pants up, son," exclaimed the police officer.
One by one, the police officer shined a flashlight in our eyes...a special flashlight. A flashlight that had no definition. A flashlight that...Gil threw up. Philip cringed...he hated vomit, was emetaphobic. The policeman shined the flashlight in the face of Brass. He gagged as a reflex and threw up warm trimmings over his peepee. Philip had not thrown up for 13 years...since the summer of 1994. He was anxious, upset, terrified, and greatful.
The policeman then shined the light in Philip's eyes....
And Philip saw God...
No less than 22 seconds later, Philip(invulnerable to the flashlight), Brass, and Gil had escaped up the path and eventually into Gil's Toyota.
They narrowly escaped an embarrasing end.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Rumor:
Hurricane Katrina nothing more than elaborate hoax?
From what we're hearing, this could be true.
Nothing more than Anne Frank and her Holocaust or Neil and his Spaceboys- or even those fucking chads of paper in Florida.
Many readers are sharing the same feelings, including longtime reader, Bob Haskins of Topeka: "I've got to be honest, it was a sigh of relief when the news spread earlier this afternoon. I mean it was something that I knew in the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart. There is no way a Tornado could do that to a city!!"
But Why?
So many questions unanswered and so many more to be asked.
More--as soon as the story breaks!
New WoW Expansion Brings World One Step Closer to a [Safer] World Without Nerds
A new World of Warcraft Expansion has just been announced. The tentative title is: Wrath of the Lich King. Nerds everywhere are attempting to reserve a copy. Too bad there isn't a release date as of yet.
Local nerd, Harriet Freewheel stated: "I won't be able to get laid for months after this comes out. Unless of course, it is in the WoW."
Gil's response was a positive one: "We all know that nerds are dangerous and socially embarrassing. I really think this could be good for humanity as a whole. Nerds have been behind wars, the atom bomb, and biological warfare. If we can keep making games that occupy them, we can buy more time before humanity destroys itself."
Our opinion at MR sides with Gil. However, we all know Harriet is not getting laid.
Heavy Metal Music Addictive, Good for Career
Sweden's English-language news outlet reported in June that the government's employment service had granted Roger Tullgren, 42, supplemental income benefits based on his illness of addiction to heavy-metal music. Tullgren (with long, black hair, tattoos and skull-and-crossbones jewelry and who said he attended nearly 300 concerts last year) said he had been addicted for 10 years but finally got three psychologists to sign off on calling his condition a disability. His employer now permits Tullgren to play his music at his dishwashing job. [TheLocal.se, 6-19-07]
We have had similar problems here at MR. Brass has been addicted to lotions and Ben Gibbard for 2 years counting.
Bridge to Terabithia Delievers Laughs Up to the Very End
"We rule Terabithia, and nothing crushes us!", says Leslie Burke from Disney's latest take on the novel, Bridge to Terabithia. BtT is one of the most comedic movies we have seen in years.
"One of the best attempts at 'smart-comedy' since the film, My Girl," raves David Cronenberg. "I own four copies of this DVD, one for each room in the house!" As David tells the MassReviews staff this, his eyes are watering.
For a synopsis of the film go to the IMDB's website or don't be a lazy-ass and read the children's book. The film stars Zooey Deschanel and the T-1000. T-1000's liquid metal properties add an element to the film that the book didn't have, however, this is one of those cases where the book is better than the movie.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Metallica in Video Games
Metallica is in the news, yet again. This time, it doesn't involve Lars Ulrich bitching about the public nickling and diming him, or about how corporate America is God's way.
Metallica is making headlines because one of their most well-known tracks will be on the latest installment of Guitar Hero (Guitar Hero III), and in the game, Rock Band. The song is: One.
Coincidentally, the same song has just been accepted as one of the world's most "piss-poor, stupid, brainless, dickless, no-good, four-flushing pieces of white-trash shite there is in American Culture" in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We asked Chairman Bill Masters about the Hall of Fame's new indictment.
"They suck. Metallica sucks. Everything about them sucks. Sucks balls even." At this point, Bill wipes his forehead and looks at Brass Wilkins. Brass takes a step back, uneasy. "I have a major problem with a band of bitches."
Top Ten Videogames.......PLAY THEM!!!
Here's a short list of ten video games that you must play. This list may change from week to week, but the main thing to focus on is that nonetheless they are great games.
10. Killer 7 (3.5 Wilkins)
9. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (4 Wilkins)
8. Silent Hill Series (3.5 Wilkins-average)
7. Ico (3.5 Wilkins)
6. Super Mario Bros. 3 (4 Wilkins)
5. Final Fantasy VII (4 Wilkins)
4. Metal Gear Solid Series (4 Wilkins)
3. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (4 Wilkins)
2. Resident Evil 4 (4 Wilkins)
1. Earthbound (4 Wilkins)
Play. Now.
Man Blacks Out, Wakes Up in Strip Club
Gary Titsworth was in a pickle this morning. Like any other Friday evening, Gary chose to go out with his friends, Christopher and Zenith. They hit "Frankie Tuesdays", their usual bar, and Gary had a couple [alcoholic] drinks.
"I didn't drink more than I usually do. I swear to God!" Gary told us, completely perplexed. "I'm really worried...what happened between Frankie's and Club Harlot? I'm scared."
"He went to the bathroom and never came out, we thought he entered a vortex or something," claimed long-time friend Zenith.
We sent out Gil to do some investigating.
Gil did his best, retracing Gary's steps between the Frankie's and Club Harlot. Along the way, Gil found a cat missing its virginity, a homeless person with a locket with a picture of Gary, and a human turd with hair on it.
The case is still open. Gary's wife is leading the inquiry. "I just wish I knew what I did...", whimpered Gary.
Gil brought the turd home for further testing.
Church Choir Loses Member, The Mac Grieves
Lutheran Baptist church, The Risen has lost yet another choir member. Chief choir member Loretta Blair is quoted as saying,
"She was a gift from God, the voice of an angel, the bosom of a flower bud--and she is now resting at the bottom of hell."
Other members of the choir seem to be just as upset about the loss. The unknown cause of death has been a concern to many of the community members, including mayor, Bill Mcaffee.
"She will be missed. Even though I sound like a goat when I sing I know the church still loves me. God bless myself."
We will post the newest information as it arises. We can only hope that everyone will maintain a healthy stamina throughout the next few days.
New Game About Moses Changes Way Staff Feels About Moses
Deliverance
We here at massreviews have read the Bible. Several times. Sometimes around campfires, sometimes at parties (Bible-Gras), but mostly, while we're taking a dump.
Once in a while, a game comes along that transcends gaming in its entirety. It challenges notions of traditional gaming by crossing boundaries. Sometimes these boundaries are simple, but sometimes these boundaries are so complex, only Moses and Jesus could understand them. Which brings us to the game, Deliverance (the perfect game for Christ Jesus and Moses).
Please see the link above for the most adventurous, informative, action-packed game of our time.
Which brings us to a question...is God's view of our lives a game? Is it? IS IT?!?!?!
"Moses kicks so much ass you have no idea!" cries Brass, a beta tester for the game. "If he's not killing the Egyptian first born children he's crashing seas down and drowning thousands of people!"
We haven't played this game yet, but can't wait to get our grubby, little, sinner's hands on a pirated copy.
